So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
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I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
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I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize