My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
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