Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
