I wish my penis had an off switch
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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