He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
