I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
