I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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