ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
