Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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