She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
