all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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