my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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