Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
