Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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