Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
