after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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