I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
