i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
