you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
