I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
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