I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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