JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
