Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
