that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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