I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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