Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
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