Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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