I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
