K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
well you can't waste a boner
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
