if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
