so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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