I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
