i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
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