im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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