At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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