guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
