She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
third nipple confirmed
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
