The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
