3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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