I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
