So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
