Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
