please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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