If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
