what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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