I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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