I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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