His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
