thus making me awesome and them whores
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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