and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
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