my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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