You're my little dorito
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
