have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Randomize