you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
