youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
false alarm, still single
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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