i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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